My “progressive” American Jewish friends and family text me using words like broken, devastated, alone. They tell me how they can’t talk to their Jewish parents, their childhood friends from Jewish sleep away camp, or their kid’s carpool anymore. They text about how, since this war between Hamas and Israel started, they are full of disappointment, rage, and don’t know how to be in relationship with people because of the content of their social media posts and their “bad” behavior in those spaces.
A Reform Rabbi friend of mine shared with me the death threats that he receives by email from Jews telling him he is not Jewish enough. He’s used to this kind of violence and anger aimed at him from within the Jewish community. He understands that his capacity to love both Israelis and Palestinians is hard for some people, and he continues to encourage his heart to open.
My “liberal” non-Jewish “ally” friends + family text me to check on me. “How are you?” they ask. “I am thinking of you. I don’t understand how this is happening, you must be so worried”. Spoiler: I am not surprised. I am not confused. I am not full of rage. I am worried. I am heartbroken and there isn’t room for feelings in a broken heart. Thank you for the well intended love. Please know that I hear your concern and that what I want (what I really really want) is to feel your presence in my life; that is all and that is enough.
Other “ally” friends send me texts about petitions, rallies, and fundraisers for both Gazans and Israelis. They send links to online articles about Zionism, Capitalism, and intergenerational trauma. They send evites to Palestinian art exhibits and Jewish holocaust memorials.
What is a common thread here? The communications are one directional. The communications are coming from people who are feeling they, themselves, are not enough, and in an effort to make themselves feel better they are expressing disappointment about the behavior of others. Either YOU aren’t doing enough, or I am not doing enough, that is the take away. Put another way, no one is “enough” right now. If we were better, if we were more informed, if we attend this rally, sign this petition then the violence will stop. Then I will feel better.
Folks, there is no way to a place in your heart or mind where any of this makes sense or feels better. So if that is your quest, give it a rest. Please.
The reports that you are sharing with me, Beloved Community, about the harm, the toxicity, and the violence taking place in your social media threads, your emails, your texts, since the war between Israel and Hamas started are terrifying and so sad. I want to encourage you to pause the habits and practices that bring you into contact with the people who are judging you and to slow down. When you are craving the hit of dopamine that you get from an IG or FB scroll, or when you are craving the adrenaline that you get from baiting your Dad into a yelling match on the family text thread, what if instead you text to meet up in person with one friend, or you call one family member who makes you laugh, or you pet your dog, or you ask your kid for a hug. Get that dopamine and adrenaline someplace else, y’all. Your health does in fact require this of you.
I am worried about you because I love you. The world needs you caring, creating, connecting, loving, laughing, and sharing the JOY that is in your daily life even, and especially, during hard and dark times. I need you caring for yourself and people who are struggling because, this folx, is what it is all about. We all need you to be able to access joy, the survival of justice depends on it.
It is with THIS in mind that I’ve put together, in collaboration with my friend, Lev, a ritual for all of us. We all need to let go of the expectations put on us by others about how to be “good” or “right” or “enough” in life, and especially in relation to a war. This is not an invitation to disengage, that is not the call. This is an invitation to you, Beloved Community, to turn off the noise, give yourself some care, to express your rage, anger, disappointment. And then, to get rid of it. Truly. THEN you can show up for the folx in your ecosystem with actual presence, warm invitations to conversation, and actions that are consequential. You can listen, truly hear, and then you can provide and receive care in the ways that are in alignment with. your values.
The truth of the matter is that many of us are feeling harmed, hurt, shamed by people that we love and care about in regard to what it means in this moment to be a "good" Jew. Not Jewish? I imagine that you, too, are feeling not “good” enough as an ally, friend, co-worker, friend to many Jews and Palestinians in your life right now and can relate in that way.
These feelings are hard to express and are contributing to feelings of loneliness and isolation which are not the vibes that we need to be leaning towards in this collective moment of grief, fear, anxiety, and unknowing. If we are to truly love ourselves and one another through this hard, dark time, we need to tend to our nervous systems with the same kind of care and safety we extend to our beloveds.
This introspective offering is meant to provide a place for individuals to put the expectations and rules that "others" are applying to us in this moment about our own expression of our individual Jewishness or anything else in your life where you are feeling judged and not enough. This does not have to be just about Jewish identities, you can use this offering to rid yourself of any harmful words, expectations made about you.
This offering is NOT about inviting others into discourse or into your process. It IS about being with yourself. Should you choose to move through this ritual with your Beloved Community, please be intentional about calling in introspection. This action is meant to provide a cathartic and clarifying space to process YOUR feelings about how YOU feel in this moment about how others are experiencing your Jewishness or other elements of your identity.
The intention is that by doing this ritual, we can move through our feelings so that we can be present to the care, connection and compassion in our daily lives as violence and harm continue to unfold between Hamas and Israel.
Onwards, y’all.