I was raised by a single mom in the 1980’s. If you were too, then you know and and you have, I am sure, your own version of the story I am about to tell. Those of you who weren’t, well, I am here to tell you that it was often ugly, lonely, and sad. Not because my mom (and yours, too) weren’t busting their asses but in fact because they WERE busy busting their asses. Alone, with no help, no mentors (who weren’t men who were also sexually harassing them), underpaid, and with kids and peers who did not understand their many specific struggles. I simply cannot imagine how lonely and scary that part of my mom’s life was.
One year, let’s say it was 1984, a few days before Mother’s Day, my mom drove me to the local mall in Northwest Arkansas, put $20 of her hard earned money into my hand, and told me to go buy her a Mother’s Day gift. As if that wasn’t emotionally crippling enough, she was then gifted, on Mother’s Day, by her 10ish old kid, a Michael Jackson picture book. A book that her daughter (ya, that’s me) wanted, not a book that she, my Mom, wanted. Let’s just say that this Mother’s Day lives on in infamy in my family folklore and I wish I could take it back. All of it.
What my mom wanted, and what most mom’s want for Mother’s Day (and on every other damn day) is to be valued. To be seen. To be celebrated for all that she does. To be paid an equal wage. To have paid family leave. To have unlimited PTO. To get a promotion that isn’t linked to having to be mentored by some well intended white man with a wife (or husband) who makes what they do for a living possible. To have health care that is for ALL of her phases of her life (including menopause, can someone please start investing in that!). To have sex that is about her pleasure and safety. To experience friendships that lift her up, that carry her, and that enable her to be all of who she is. To take a nap. To laugh. To express herself and be appreciated for more than who she was to the humans who she was/is raising.
When my own kids were small, I almost always climbed into bed at the end of Mother’s Day feeling unseen and undervalued. Not because my husband + kids didn’t center me in their actions that day (they did, they do). But because, 1) I was shit at telling them what I wanted, and 2) because even for all of the hand made cards and breakfasts in bed that they made me, they simply couldn’t give me what I really wanted. What I really wanted, what I really WANT, is to be valued in the world equal to the Dads of the world everyday. This isn’t a gift that my kids + husband can give me, they do try, though. Bless their hearts.
I am lucky enough to live in the same city as my mom. We’ve come a long way, together, from me being a kid who didn’t know how to give gifts and her being an exhausted woman wanting more from her emotional life. We see each other a lot and I talk on the phone with her most days. For Mother’s Day this year we will spend sometime together on Saturday this weekend doing what she wants to do. Each year now before Mother’s day rolls in I ask her what she wants to do for Mother’s day. I listen and then I do what she wants. When I can, I do it. Then I get to offer the same experience of knowing what I want to my kids.
A few years ago a parenting coach and friend that I cherish, Carrie Contey, taught me (and loads of other mothers/parents) how to navigate Mother’s Day on our terms. I am forever grateful to her for these tools and for permission to ask for what I want and to know that it changes each year and that is SO ok.
I am beyond fucking lucky to be married to someone who loves mothers and really, truly, deeply appreciates what we all do. He loves his own mother, the other mothers in his family, his colleagues who are mothers, the mothers of his Pediatric patients, his friends who are mothers, and the list goes on. This husband of mine who is the Dad to our shared kids knows that this is a complicated “holiday” for me because, well, the Patriarchy. So he knows that there is a strong likelihood that regardless of how much effort he puts into celebrating me on this made up, BS holiday, in the ways that I asked him to, that I am likely to feel sad, alone, and not enough, and that fixing that is not his responsibility. The Patriarchy hurts everyone, y’all. Dads included.
So this year I am sharing some of Carrie’s Mother’s Day prep tools with you, as my Mother’s Day gift to the Mothers, partners, and the kids who are reading this. The tools are below. I hope you will use them if they feel resonant with how you can approach this weekend’s holiday. They continue to help me a whole lot to arrive in my bed at the end of Mother’s Day feeling the way that I want to feel.
At the end of this year’s Mother’s Day I hope to feel: 1) rested, 2) fed (literally, I ask to not to have to make a single decision about food all day), 3) watered (I ask to go out on a boat), and 4) grateful to not have washed a single dish all damn day.
Happy Mother’s Day to anyone who mothers. If this is a holiday that is hard for you because you are missing your Mom, or are a mom who is missing a kid, or you want/ed to be a mom and don’t feel like one, I hope that you feel seen. May you have what you need, on your terms, this Mother’s Day to feel celebrated. And, thank you for all that you do.
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How do you want to spend the day or the weekend?
Do you want to celebrate your mom and/or the significant mothers in your life? Do you want to acknowledge yourself as a mother? Do you want to be acknowledged for your mothering?
You might and you might not. It's up to you. There's no right way, just the way that feels right for you.
If you are clear on what you want and need, great.
Celebrate your clarity and enjoy the weekend thoroughly.
If you are not clear, also great.
Gaining clarity is easy and worth practicing.
As we move toward Mother's Day, I encourage you to pause and consider how you want to celebrate and/or be celebrated. Feel into what this weekend means to you and the people in your life.
Here's the crux of a longer email I used to send out this time of year:
If Mother's Day is something that matters to you, I want you to have a fabulous, joy- and love-filled day. You deserve it. If that is the case, I recommend this...Decide how you want to feel, GET IN ALIGNMENT WITH THAT FEELING, FIRST, and then tell the people around you how to help you make that happen. They will LOVE you for your clarity and you will get a day that feels oh so good.
Not sure what you want or, more importantly, how you want to feel?
No problem! Take a few minutes to play with the prompts below. They are my #1 favorite writing prompts for finding clarity on almost anything.
Give yourself and your people the gift of clarity this weekend. It's so worth it!
As I consider Mother's Day,
I notice I'm thinking...
What thoughts are swirling in my brain? This is where I lay out the practical stuff of life -- things I have to do, things I want to remember, things I'm spinning on, things I've learned about myself and my people, etc. Getting the thoughts out of my head can often help me feel less swirly.
I notice I'm feeling...
What feelings are stirring in my heart? This is where I check in with my emotions. On the continuum of wobbly to steady, where do I land and how would I describe those feelings? Dan Siegel says "You've got to name it to tame it" and that's what this is all about -- Getting in touch with my emotions and their various energetic patterns in service to being self-aware and conscious of what's happening within.
I choose to feel...
What feeling state do I want to tap into? This is where I play around with finding clarity on my intention. How do I want to feel amidst it all?
I'm knowing...
What feels intuitively true in my gut -- no fear, no questions? This is where I tap into my big BEINGness, my ISness, my wisdom, my guide inside. What emerges from this place are my deepest, most aligned, knowings. And, this is the voice I want to continually hear and trust more and more. What I've learned about this part of myself is that it requires space to be heard. It's not grabbing for my attention. In fact, it emerges almost exclusively when I've taken time to be still and quiet. And, the more I practice getting still and quiet, the more I hear those intuitive knowings.