There is a way I feel in the summertime/during the winter holiday breaks when my kids aren’t in school and then there is the way I feel the rest of the time. This doesn’t have to do with executive function burn out or being too busy with life. This is a very, very different feeling. It is fear. I feel terrified, actually. And thanks to a much too late in life realization that I had recently (at age 50 with high school aged kids) I now feel embarrassed, as well.
The night before my kids started school this year I had a nightmare. A really gruesome one where my kids where brutally murdered in front of me. It was one of those too real dreams that you feel for hours after you wake up. I tore myself out of this dream and sobbed, like with my entire body, in my bed before the alarm went off for the day. I tried to put my anxiety about what was shifting in me away that morning. I moved into DO mode. Back to school breakfast, check. Carpool, check. Work meetings for me, check. No matter how I tried I could not shake this heartbreaking dream.
I have a sacred tradition with a few friends in the neighborhood. We go to lunch the first (and last) days of the school year. They both have kids heading to college (gulp) this year and we all have high schoolers. We talked about the daily schedule transitions, how much fun we all had over our hot Texas summers. Then things took a turn. I shared with them the terror I’d felt waking up that morning after watching my kids violently die in my dream. You know what??? They got it. Their faces changed and we, for the first time, really showed each other our fear. There was this immediate recognition in each other. Oh, you too???? Of course. We are ALL feeling this way.
School shootings. In case that wasn’t clear. School shootings are on our minds and in our hearts and in our bodies everyday as parents when we send our kids to school. We don’t think about this when our kids aren’t in school. We are free of this kind of terror. While I was reflecting a few days later about this connective, tender conversation with these two, white, cisgender friends the other day, a loud AH-HA took place in my brain.
In that moment I realized that my friends who are parents of Black, Brown, and Trans kids likely feel like this every fucking day. I don’t know it to be 100% true. It’s a guess. Likely one that is layered with another set of biases that I am failing to see. Now that I have seen this disparity between my own experience and the experience of parents of Black, Brown, and Trans kids my heart is cracking anew for them, for you. For their kids, for your kids. I am so sorry that I missed this.
So, the WE that I use here to talk about those of us who are sometimes free of this terror? The WE that is mad about the return of a fear of guns into our daily lives? The WE that feels entitled to guaranteed safety everywhere? That WE is white, cisgendered people. People like me.
The way my whiteness and my cis identify continues to blind, shield, protect me from fear, terror, and real danger keeps me from being able to truly understand the experiences of others. I know this. I am so sorry that I hadn’t seen, metabolized how the way that I feel when MY kids go to school might be like how YOU feel every time YOUR kids leave your house.
I will do better at continuing to consider how my whiteness and my cis identify shows up and denies me the opportunity to be a fuller ally. I will do a better job of checking in on y’all to help you carry the fear and terror you might be feeling. I will center YOUR families in the gun violence work that I advocate for in a new, more nuanced way.
What I’d like to nip in the bud as I close this piece out is that I am not sharing this so that you (white + cis folks) are impressed with my realization. I am sharing this as a confession of a white, able bodied, cis human who tries to be of service. I feel like its important for us to share lessons as we learn them, especially if the sharing of a lesson might save others from doing harm. That is the intention I am putting out there with this piece.
White + cis people reading this: if you, too, might have missed this particular memo then let’s harness the power of the empathy we feel about school shootings and use it to move us towards safety for ALL.
Black, Brown, Trans folks + parents reading this: I am so sorry that I missed this. I am so sorry that I didn’t understand this.
I do not want to take up any more space on this issue with my thoughts. I want to segue here to how we can center those who have the most to loose and who’s kids are at the most risk. Ways towards action are below + pls name the orgs doing this kind of work below that YOU support in the comments section.
Onwards, y’all.
Orgs working to end gun violence for you support pay attention to racial and gender based disparities
Transgender Education Network of Texas
To read
What Gun Violence Prevention Looks Like When It Focuses on the Communities Hurt the Most
Why These Black Students Are Taking Action on Gun Violence Prevention