Cultivating Discernment
On being picky and why we should do that especially when it comes to what media + relationships we engage with/in
Today is my youngest kiddo’s 14th birthday. This kid has been teaching me about discernment since he arrived earth-side. He models for me what it can look like to kindly (sometimes not so kindly) not give a shit, how to be content with what I want even when that is not in alignment with what might be easy, and how to let my sense of satisfaction lead me through my life. He’s a super smart dude, obviously. I take no credit; he came out this way.
I turned 50 years old last week and I felt profoundly nourished as I rounded the corner on that notable day. I experienced several moments over the course of my birthday weekend when I was proud of where I am, who I am with, what I spend my time doing, and who matters most to me. A decade ago on my 40th birthday I did not feel this way. I felt friendless, alone, isolated, less than, exhausted, seeking, and scared. I’ve worked hard over the last decade to center the goal of feeling/experiencing satisfaction and, y’all, it’s working!
What I mean by “it’s working” is that I feel satiated by my own life. Deeply. Ten years ago I felt I had some decisions to make, it was time to change things up. I decided it was time to leave humanitarian work. It made sense that I started with professional related changes as my professional ambition often guides me (I am working on that, too). I did that, officially, left that kind of work in 2018, and that was a good decision for me. I’ve been serving on non-profit Boards since I was 27 years old, for almost 1/2 of my life to date. In the last two years have stepped down/not renewed my Board member terms and I am happily, for the first time in my adult life, enjoying a wild abundance of weekends and evenings free of Board meetings. I love all of this for me!
I returned to a monthly practice of EMDR therapy in 2016, this helps me to manage my PTSD which enables me to access joy, love, and play more easily. We’ve been going to couples therapy (on and off) for a decade and that has definitely equipped us with tools we need to continue to learn to fight more fairly and to forgive. My kids have their own therapists (we started them both in therapy when they each started Middle School) which equips them with the tools they need to guide them in their own lives according to their values. And, honestly, my kids are just older + bigger now so they need me in different ways. I am better at this phase parenting. I am enjoying it more, feeling satisfied in my relationships with my kids and husband in ways that seemed unimaginable 10 years ago. Therapy for the win.
In 2016 I started to change my media consumption habits after a certain election broke my heart. I now limit my news consumption (both online and audio, I don’t watch any news) to 15 minutes a day. It is enough. I fill my ears with sounds that sooth, invigorate, and energize me. I got off IG and Facebook in 2021. That was an equally powerful call; I have not regretted that decision for even one minute. Since the war in Gaza started last October, I’ve never been more grateful that 100% of the social interactions I had about hard topics are in person or on the phone or, hardest case scenario, on Zoom. My relationships feel strong, sustainable, and supportive. We do not agree, me and my friends/family; I am not interested in surrounding myself with folks exactly like myself. We DO agree that love is what binds us together and so, it does.
I decided 5 years ago to be more discerning in my friendships. I was lonely and yet rarely alone. I knew lots of people but didn’t feel like I had anyone I could count on, who prioritized me. I decided to stop tending to relationships that didn’t fill me up. I decided to seek out people and experiences that light me up. I decided to say no to invitations and conversations that wore me out. About this time, two people that I loved a lot “broke up with me”. Over text. I am grateful for their clearly stated needs and boundaries and it really hurt. Additionally, the medium that they chose to share their dismissal of our relationship spoke depths to me about how these friendships were not what I thought they were. That’s ok. That said, breaking up with folks is not my way, and definitely not via text. I simply stopped reaching out and prioritizing folks who were not doing the same for me and our friendships. That, too, works/ed for me. The folks in my life now are people who actively care for me, as I do for them; it feels good.
In 2020 our household started creating our own version of Shabbat each Friday and this, I feel, has supported me in cultivating discernment each week. I believe that to know what I want to do, to apply discernment, requires that I get quiet. I need to be able to spend time considering what I want to do, who I want to be with, how I want to feel. Only then can I begin to make choices towards experiencing more satisfaction and discernment in my life. We learned early on that if we didn’t have some kind of rough plan for Shabbat it wouldn’t be very enjoyable so I’ve gotten a lot better at naming what I want to do + what I don’t during this precious, 24 hour window of time together as a family. Huzzah for knowing how to say what I want and to being able to say thank you, NO thank you, to the stuff that I don’t want!
As I look down the road at what I am wanting to do with this precious 50th year of my life I am letting discernment lead the way. I want to continue to be picky about how I spend my time + where I give my attention. These are, in fact, my greatest resources (along with my health); I will not squander them. For example emails and texts; they do not deserve a response from me simply because someone sent them to me. I decide when and if, at what pace and if at all, I respond. I once heard someone say that access to one’s inbox/text messages is a privilege and we get to decide the rules there. I love that. Being in my life is a luxury (as is being in yours, thanks for letting me in). I get to decide who gets to enjoy being in my life, enjoying me.
Here’s to cultivating discernment and all of the satisfaction, connection, and joy that we can experience along the way! What a gift.